Unfiltered.

I want to talk unfiltered for a moment, and if that worries you or offends you, I’d stop reading now to avoid the mess of it. 

The other day I found myself looking through my old Instagram photos. (Let’s not kid ourselves, we all do it!) I don’t know why but May always seems to be the month where I find myself looking back to January. As if I’m checking in to see whats happened so far and what I yet to still have do as the year continues moving forward. I check in to see if I’m happy, if things I wanted to happen did or did not, and I look for the things that disappointed me, frustrated me, or even surprised me. I don't think its bad to reflect at all, but in that excusable reflection I found myself at a stand still. I found myself looking over and over again, realizing I had no idea what I was searching for in the first place.

Warning, some harsh words are about to happen, but honestly, its my real time feelings and updates.

This year hasn't been what I wanted it to be in certain moments, and others it has far surpassed my wildest dreams. 

I was damaged in a car accident and have to deal with insurance companies that refuse to pay for those damages their drivers caused. 

I continue to get to date an incredible man of God who loves me, takes care of me, and challenges me to be who Jesus has called me to be. 

I was working at a job that nearly killed my free spirit and slowly taught me to idolize money and security instead if blind trust in the Lord. 

I’ve had to refrain from yelling and screaming at our house landlords for consistently choosing to uproot and force move an entire household for the sake of business and income rather than friendship and common courtesy. 

Then I got to see the Lord provide miraculously in daily finances, and for my Berlin missions trip and see people healed and encountered while over there serving people. (Thanks for supporting! Update soon to come I promise!) 

I got to be extravagantly blessed and discipled by the Bradley family with their constant encouragement, love and accountability. 

And then, just about everyone I know, decided to announce they’re moving far away from the city the Lord has called me to place roots in. 

A lot right?

Yet I amongst it all, I remember something a friend of mine once told me. She said, that life is similar to a moving train, regardless of the spots you choose to get off at, if you leave one train, it will still continue moving without you on it. I think for myself at times its scary to realize that once I leave somewhere life doesn't just pause for me to come back to it, no matter how much I want it to, no matter how much any of us want it to, life keeps moving. Granted she told me as I was moving from one state to another but I was so desperately wanting to remain connected to what I was leaving behind. Scrolling through these pictures, I found myself having this moment, thinking back to that conversation and hearing the truth from those words.

Currently the community I’m in is experiencing “transition.” Kid you not, thats what everyone continues to say over and over, which is true we are experiencing new things. Now what was momentum in so many new areas has come to a complete halt as people move from one train to another. Which I understand you don't jump off a moving train but what seems to be happening is instead of life continuing in the midst of the change, people, myself included, have become stalled out and scared. However, I won’t sit here and pretend that I know what an extremely healthy transition and move looks like, because I don’t and because I have yet to see it. But it has led me to a lot of thinking, and reflecting and asking the Lord what feels like endless lists of questions. 

What questions you may wonder, well heres a few I encourage you to ask the Lord as well.

Is there a way for people to approach one another with kind hearts but honesty, to speak of real hurt, real neglect, and real damage and it not be turned to their own sin issues?

How does a community not rely on man to do the work only God can do? 

Why do I find myself placing expectation on leadership and authority to fulfill the needs only Jesus can?

How does a community heal in response to neglect?

What is God stirring in the waters for Tacoma, what is yet to come and how can I help?

Can this year be turned around?

The amazing thing is that the Lord is far above and greater than all the minuscule human errors that occur from daily life. I understand to hold people to a standard that only the Lord can fulfill will only produce hurt and disappointment on my end. Recently I was getting dinner with my friend and she was sharing about her family, and how one family member was single handily ruining a lot in their family. Yet her parents just kept pouring out grace to them and letting them back in over and over again, forgiving the hurt over and over again. To her bewilderment, she couldn't understand it, she wanted to know why they kept doing it. So as she's telling me, all I hear is God saying, “because its what I would do, am doing, and will always do.” 

How crazy is that? That no matter how much we damage and hurt God, no matter how much we neglect and make all these promises to change and don't follow through, He remains graceful and forgiving. THEN tells us, to do the very same. OUCH RIGHT? That means, God is telling me to pour out endless grace to the neglectful and hurtful people that have fallen short around me. That means I have to stand in a position of forgiveness even if they haven't even realized the damage they caused, and I’m able to because He does it ALL the time for me. 

So now, I get to choose to walk in the grace the Lord freely gives me and continue to press in because its not always the end where He reveals what He has for us but rather the entire process it takes to get there. Do you think Nehemiah waited until the wall was rebuilt for the Lord to speak to him about the worst he Lord was doing in Nehemiah’s heart, no! He asked questions before the building even started, and while he worked. God is faithful to let you know what He’s doing while He’s preparing you, not just waiting to tell you after you're “ready.” Its what He’s currently teaching me, and I get to start in this very moment. I get to move passed what this year has been, and who people have chosen to be and I get to start asking, start forgiving, and start moving that train forward again.

Maybe thats the very point where transition and momentum can build and be accomplished in a community following after Jesus' heart.