Vulnerability is hard for me if I’m being honest.
I have this ability to see where a conversation is going or the possibility of deeper questions being asked of me and I slowly turn it to a different direction. I bring up other people, I ask harder questions of the other person so it distracts away from me. I don't necessarily know why I do it, or why I dislike sharing my heart so much but it happens time after time without fail.
Like, heres an example. You know the feeling you get in your gut when someone asks you THAT question and it just about destroys your walls and all the composure you maintain crumbles.Well, thats the very question I avoid like a truck coming at me at full force. I have this presumption in my head that if people see me, see my mess, see the possibility of me not put together then everything I worked so hard to be known for will be tarnished. I understand that even as your reading this you're realizing how absolutely crazy that sounds.
Well in the quest to shield myself from being vulnerable about my problems, I found my conversations turned more toward slander and gossiping about other people in order to dodge talking about myself. That shield then became a habit, and slowly but surely I didn't realize that every conversation I was having became about other people to avoid people knowing me. With no guard over my tongue, I found myself drifting from words bringing life and encouragement for others to cutting and hurting them, even unintentionally. What I didn't realize is in that process my own heart was also growing bitter and angry towards them, I hadn't realized my words over people were bringing death to my own heart for them.
I found my conversations with people started getting shallow and empty, lacking Jesus, lacking vulnerability from others and from myself, and rather turned into talking about only the negative in our lives. I found my self drifting from people, from Jesus, and burying myself under more walls and more hardness, basically going back to the bondage I had already escaped from. I found myself playing victim to the damage I actually caused. I didn't want to leave it either, it was as if the hole was already to deep to escape.
Basically, I was wrong. I was wrong in many accounts and I hurt people, I let my hurt be an excuse to hurt people. I saw circumstances that the Lord was orchestrating to build me and grow me be my reason to be justified in my anger and hurt. I acted out of my flesh and feelings and not who the Lord calls me to be in patience and grace and love.
Then the Lord took me back, and allowed me to recall some things.
I moved up to Tacoma, Washington back in June of 2014 for a Catalyst Training School, I didn't know what I was in for, I didn't know what to expect, all I knew was I was at a critical point in my life where I needed Jesus, I needed change and I desperately needed love. I stayed in Tacoma because thats exactly what I got here in this community.
I was loved and seen outside of how I was acting and what saying but rather for who I am in God, and who He's created me to be.
I was taught and grown in how to pursue the Lord with my whole heart and what laying down my life looks like to Him, and how beautifully different that looks like from what the world culture tells you to do.
I was called to maturity and accountability, to live differently than my past and who I was but rather who I was created to be.
I was forgiven and shown grace continuously even as I was learning and readjusting to new life in Jesus.
I was and continue to be discipled and grown in my faith in ways I never thought possible.
I continue to be surrounded in ministry and opportunity to pour love out on those around me, to show who Jesus is in me daily, and what the sacrifice His life laid down means for us.
When I moved up to Tacoma the trajectory of my life changed completely, and thats why I stayed. The Lord continued to be so faithful and apparent in the leadership, in the community and in the friendships I gained. I was challenged sure, but I continue to be grown into a better woman of God even in the midst of unfair circumstances. I was spending a morning with the Lord a few weeks ago and He simply reminded me of all the unfair moments in the bible that He and others faced in their walks in pursuing God, and all of a sudden mine became very insignificant and honestly silly my ‘problems’ became in comparison.
Back to the part you probably read a couple times over, I was wrong. I didn't know it at the time, I didn't feel it at the time, in the moment I felt justified, I felt good because I was ‘expressing how I was feeling.” Honestly I didn't even know people would read or listen to anything I had to say, so it gave me even more space to say whatever I wanted.
I was wrong though, I was wrong in how I acted, how I responded and even how I wrote on here! I wasn't honoring, respectful or kind to those who poured out and loved me up here. I didn't acknowledge the teaching, love and grace they provided for me constantly in the years up here but rather honed in my focus towards one mistake and one hurt and only commented on that. I was wrong because I didn't choose to see the Jesus in them that they had constantly shown and fought for with me.
I was wrong and I’m sorry.
I can only do better and move forward in that grace that continues to be shown to me.
I can continue to love and learn to speak honorably and slowly.
I can continue to go to Jesus in my hurt and not react out of feelings but rather patience and love.
And most importantly I can try to be vulnerable, because when I am it allows the Holy Spirit to work through those around me to know how to better love, teach and pray for me.
Thanks for reading!
