Community Saved Me

What’s a community? What do you think of when you hear that word?

The dictionary defines community as; a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage.

The world tell us community is the relationships with the people immersed in our everyday lives, at school, our work place, neighbors, etc.

The church tells us it’s the body, the family of your fellow believers, your small groups and bible studies.

I grew up with the mentality that community was something you were just around, you didn’t need to dive in, you didn’t need their help, you just kept your head down and never spoke up. I’m going to hit you with the same truth that I found out, THAT IS NOT COMMUNITY.

Then I learned. As I was thrusted into a community of believers with Catalyst my world became radically changed. I went from briefly being asked “How are you?”, and quickly responding “Good, and you?” to maintain social etiquette, to being asked “How are you doing?” in a completely new way.

Same question yet with such a different delivery. It came from people around me who didn’t know anything about me yet cared how my heart was truly doing in that very moment. It came from people who wouldn’t settle with a just “Good!” but truly wanted to hear the hard stuff. They didn’t give up on me. Now don’t get me wrong, I rejected this whole new world for a while at first, and would give brief comments about how I was doing, but even with my arm held out pushing people away, they never left. As my arm started to lower, I found myself opening up about, well everything. I became more vulnerable with people because there was a safety that came with the people that surrounded me. Slowly and surely they came along side me as Jesus was healing my heart and helping put all my broken pieces back together. They began seeing all my mess, the hard stuff and they remained right beside me.

My view of community shifted, community to me are the people who you’re laying your life down beside. Its people who cherish your heart above all things and people who view you constantly in the light that The Lord sees you in. Community embraces you at your worst and commits to building you to be your best. Community laughs with you and has fun in the daily life adventures that become cherished memories. Community has the ability to save you if you truly embrace it.

Jesus has placed me in Tacoma, Washington, in the rain and cloudy days, into a mansion with 20+ people, and into the heart of a community that has truly shifted my life and has loved me so well that I can’t help but thank Him for choosing me and exposing me to Catalyst.

So, “How am I doing?” WELL, let me tell you friends!

I truly feel alive for the first time in so long.

The Lord has been surfacing many hard things that I honestly didn’t know my heart contained. I’m being peeled back layer by layer and all of my mess is becoming exposed. Why? Because at the end of the day my sin doesn’t turn Him away and He just wants my pure heart at the bottom of it all. For the first time in my life, I am a complete mess and I probably cry more than I have in my entire life but I have never trusted Jesus with my life so much as I do in this moment. In all the lessons and crying out to Him I hold nothing back anymore with Him or people around me. I’ve learned that I can’t do it on my own, I was never meant to and the people He’s placed around me, well alongside The Lord, they’ve saved me.

Hello, Tacoma!

September 6, 2014

Well I’ve landed in Tacoma, Washington. It only took a week and 1,200 miles of driving up the coast with my mama but I made it. My mom guys, was a trooper and this past week with her was truly a blessing! It takes a strong woman to put up with my insane music for countless hours at a time, let alone my driving and words cannot express how happy my heart was every step of the way. It was a trip of bonding and rest that we both so desperately needed, so PRAISE Jesus for the time we got to spend together.

I guess to simply say how I’m doing now well, I’m now terrified yet extremely excited. It was different thinking about committing a year during the summer. Maybe because I was already in Tacoma and it didn’t look much different than just staying longer. But since going home, visiting my friends and family; all my loved ones, the reality slowly approached me as the month passed on. I waivered here and there, unsure of the huge leap I was planning on taking, but regardless I knew in my heart I was going. It is not without shaking knees and weak ankles that I now take this jump.

Jump where? Well. The thing about the shore (my life) is you can become very complacent in your ways and routines. The shore has this allure that makes you okay with enough and makes you happy without knowing what more feels like. This summer as I edged away from the shoreline and into the water, safely on a nice boat of course (baby steps guys!), I got the taste of more. Now, desperate for everything that comes with more, I’m jumping head first off this boat and emerging myself completely.

Okay, okay, what is more? Why do you keep saying more? Well, more is the easiest way I can put a novels worth of my new wants and desires of my heart. More is growing in my faith, going deeper into my relationship with Jesus, and experiencing life in an entirely new way that was never known to me before. More is the aftermath of completely surrendering yourself to God and letting him take full control in every aspect of your life, and obeying Him! More is having no fear of the future, the unknown, the next mountain, none of it! More is getting the courage to jump, and actually doing it. (I hope that explains it a little!)

So now, here I am! Do I know what this entire jump entails, of course not! But I am praying that I can get a sneak peek soon enough. Friends, I now need to ask a huge favor of you. I need you to come along side me in prayer, because well your girl needs a lot of it. In completely uprooting my life and moving to Washington, my heart is missing home more than ever. Help pray for God’s amazing peace to overflow me. Also, I am still attending NAU online since I’m stubborn and want to finish school and graduate on time, so I need prayer for stress to remain far away from me and that I stay diligent in my studies and classes for both NAU and Catalyst Seminary. (I like to procrastinate!) Lastly, I now need to find a job up here to help pay for school and well living, so if you could lastly come along side me in praying for financial provision as well as landing a new job fast it would be greatly appreciated! I trust God will provide 100% and I am confident that all of these prayers will be heard and answered because I’ve seen Him provide in so many ways already! So thank you in advance for praying and loving me so well!

Catalyst Summer Program

This is my journey and look into my heart and my relationship with Jesus this summer season through Catalyst Training School in Tacoma, Washington. You’ll have to forgive since words have never been a strong suit of mine and give me grace as I attempt to put the amazing workings of God into mere words. The program itself focuses on training in prayer, restoration and missions. To build up the kingdom of God that he has called us into and jump head first into a season of healing and faith in Him. In my case and the metaphor that I’ll often return to is; my adventure up the mountain. Since we often see summiting a mountain as a triumphant accomplishment, my faith often never sees a summit, rather just swaying from left to right gradually going up. It is with a hopeful heart that this is a season to summit that mountain, only to be able to see higher mountains to strive for. A personal relationship with Jesus should never be one with complacency in the swaying but rather a hunger to constantly want to know more, hear more, and do more with Him in you, to reach new summits.

Starting it all off the week was labeled “Freedom Week,” and rightfully so since it hones in on Gods original design for us and who He’s created us to be as well as identifying ‘strongholds’ that hinder our relationship with Him because of past injustices and pain. Through many tears and prayers God worked within my heart to bring up the areas that have been harden as life and the enemy had come only to steal and destroy. Light was brought to the area of darkness in seeing how much of a hold ‘self-sufficiency’ had within my mind and heart. Having the mentality that all I really needed in this world was myself, and that in worst come to worst situations, I would be able to take care of myself. Seeing this was rooted from my past of being adopted and not knowing if I would have a future in my first 5 years of life so in my head, all I had was myself in this world. If you know anything about me, this is a HUGE revelation since I constantly struggle with trusting other people. What I didn’t know is this also was how I viewed my relationship with God. I had never put my whole and complete trust in Him just in case the worst of worst situations had come up. I have been blessed so wonderfully with the people that surround my life and the people God has placed in my life to help me. Seeing this now, I’m so thankful for all who have put up with my stubborn heart in being so closed off for years. I broke off the spirit of self sufficiency within my life to open up my heart to be vulnerable to the people God has placed in my life and to Him as well. That being a mess is okay, and relying on community only makes me stronger. Do I still have work to do within myself daily? Absolutely. Healing only comes to those who seek it out, so I strive everyday to light up the areas of my heart that have been dark too long. And it is with knowing Gods original design for me that helps motivate me to become a daughter worthy of her Heavenly Father.

When we began to focus in on “Hearing God’s Voice,” since He is a God who is alive and speaking, we are able to hear from Him. The first week we were able to remove some of the major strongholds that prevent us from hearing from God clearly. In complete transparency this is an area of my faith that I have often struggled with. I hadn’t grown up being told God speaks to you, so when people started talking about God speaking to you then and there, I bailed. I shut down because I couldn’t “hear” God and then I felt rejected because what seemed like everyone else was able to hear from him, I couldn’t. We were practicing on speaking original design over people and usually my mind is racing with thoughts and chaos, but when I tuned in to hear from God it was the first time my mind was blank. Completely silent. As a person that strives for perfection naturally this all was frustrating because I thought it meant something was wrong with me. That God was mad at me and wasn’t talking to me. That then turned quickly to anger letting my thoughts consume me, I began thinking, “What kind of Father ignores their kid and doesn’t talk to them?” Looking back now it all seems ridiculous but at the time it truly was heart breaking. About ready to quit and leave the school and summer program early I sought out some of the staff to tell them all what was going on. Basically after an intense prayer session, ugly crying for what felt like hours I got revelation. Let’s say my relationship is like a house, and my front door is completely open to God and everything he wants to do in me. Mi casa, su casa! But even with that complete openness if you looked around, I also had my back door opened. It was my Plan B. As a just in case God decides he doesn’t want in anymore, I had an escape route. Let me share a secret with everyone, GOD DOESN’T LEAVE YOU. He never doesn’t want to not be in your life anymore. Getting that picture, praying that my back door is forever slammed shut and bolted closed I was in a sense recommitting my all to God. (We all have to die to ourselves completely, in my case sometimes more than once.) From that moment, we went back to praying over peoples original design and well, I heard God loud and clear for the first time. Why I ever doubted is silly! Because now knowing His voice and how he speaks to me, I look back at all the times he’s spoken to me and I laugh because I really could hear God all along. Yet another part of my mountain was climbed and conquered and I began to fall in love with Jesus in a whole new way.

Instead of seeing my relationship as a one way street where I tell him what my prayer requests are and hope he fixes some of them, I for the first time in my life saw it as a relationship! That He’s someone I can have conversations with and ask for him to speak into my life, daily! I began falling love with the small ways he shows His love for me throughout the day, and how even my smallest prayers are heard. I started seeing my relationships with the people in my life as blessings and began to have a new appreciation for well, everyone. It’s a crazy thing to have the revelation of God’s love because it seriously transforms your heart and you cannot have experienced it. God’s love is so radical, so all consuming and so incredible it’s over whelming, but you never stop wanting more!

Then seeing salvations this summer on our local outreaches, it showed me God doesn’t stop seeking after His one sheep. Seeing healings take place in front of my eyes showed me Gods power is everywhere and He wants us to brag about his love and glory and use us to touch people’s lives. Being taught how to evangelize to complete strangers and actually impact them with my words in a two minute encounter is seriously the coolest tool I have up my sleeve. Being taught that each of our stories has power, and is so important! That we shouldn’t be kept from sharing our testimonies because we haven’t had a hard life! That its just a way to share how much God has protected and blessed us! And if we have had hardships, then sharing how Gods saved us from it. Seeing how God, the Almighty loving and saving God, has transformed and saved my life and being able to relate to anyone in some part of my story in any encounter I have is something that even helps remind me daily of how awesome God is! I get to share about a God that saves because he once saved me! WOW! I have a confidence that I didn’t have about sharing Gods love story and I have the tools to be able to share to anyone, anytime, anywhere, seriously, that’s so cool! Being able to go out and minister and just love the one in front of us is probably one of the biggest highlights of my summer because I felt like I was being able to be used by God exactly how he wanted to use me in those moments!

This summer, in Tacoma, Washington, I had heart surgery. God picked me up from my mess of life, all my broken pieces and took his lost sheep to Catalyst Training School because He wanted me back. He scraped out all my garbage that was preventing me from hearing him, he pushed past and broke down all my walls that I had built up to keep the world out and struck my heart. He took out my old crummy broken heart and replaced it with a brand new one, a new one full of light and joy! He brought that light and joy back into my life where I thought darkness would forever remain. Okay, this sounds dramatic but its so true! I was living in lukewarm Christianity, completely complacent in attending church every Sunday, and blaming God if something was going wrong in my life, praying for him to fix it and giving myself credit when everything was going right. I was living a self sufficient life that kept everyone I loved at an arm distance away because I only ever felt like I had myself in this world. God, seeing this and being the jealous God that He is, didn’t want that. So He did what an almighty God does, he intervened and radically changed my life and I’m thankful for it. I was saved because of it all over again. I can’t ever undo what’s been done this summer. I can’t unsee God working in multiple peoples lives and hearts this summer and watching them grow deeper in their faith. His presence and love can’t be unfelt. I can’t not hear Him and know that’s Him speaking to me. I can’t change my heart back to being broken and gross, and nor would I ever want to!

I jumped head first into a season of unknown, into a summer committed to a summer full of prayer, restoration and missions. In digging deeper into my relationship with God, I experienced summiting my mountain. And now, I want more. Because that’s the funny thing about a surgery, you can try to forget it happened but a scar will be your constant reminder of what happened and you always have a new heart beating stronger and louder because of it. I climbed with intensity after God and our mountain this summer. And well, after reaching the mountains summit, you can try pretend to forget what happened, but you can never forget the view and you can’t escape the feeling that you want to go higher. The point I’m trying to make is simple. God continues to save us from the world, from our busy planned lives and from ourselves all the time. He never stops pursuing us because He wants ALL of us. After this summer, I want more of God just as much as He wants more of me, and I wish daily I had more to give him, and that’s what he wants, so now daily, I give Him my all. To be used by Him, and to be loved by Him, to start climbing our new mountain together with full intensity, ready for whatever he has for me and trusting he will make my path clear, however narrow it may be.

A Time To Reflect

Hey Friends!! I’m trying really hard with this whole blog thing, I honestly just feel so weird writing about my life. Yet, here’s another one! Be nice.

“As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart.” Proverbs 27:19

As summer program came to a close, I flew home to Phoenix with a heart on fire for God. I won’t lie to you, I’ve gone to many Christian camps and adventures that have been completely dedicated to diving deeper into Jesus, and I’ve come home on fire as well. Yet as I stepped off that plane and immediately smelled Mexican burritos, I knew something was different, my heart was different. I wasn’t choosing to let myself see this opportunity as a temporary moment of impact, yet now a life and heart impacted. I knew I was going to be able to share everything that had occurred up in the Pacific Northwest, but I was more concerned with how my daily life could reflect what had happened. How could I, simple me, possibly portray the AMAZING workings of God that had occurred this summer? Puzzled by what to do, I felt Jesus tell me that every step and every day that I would lay before Him, would result in Him using me the exact way He had planned.

So not even two days into being home, I found myself living with Presleigh (my Tacoma roommate) and new friend. Which made it feel as if I had never even left Tacoma, minus the whole it being 1,000 degrees factor. So as we faced the month ahead, we tried to figure out our next steps for the month of being home. Discouraged, I came home from not working all summer so I was basically broke as a joke and being completely clueless as to what to do. So that Monday morning, we went to Dunkin Donuts because I had free coffee coupons and we would sit and ask Jesus our next moves. And man did He move!! So maybe ten minutes into being there I felt like I should see if they were hiring since I had previously worked at a Dunkin in Flagstaff, it would be fairly simple to start right back up. After talking to the manager, having a formal interview the following day, I was back at work that Wednesday! Praise Jesus. I now had a way to earn money while being home for a month. I was again reminded that Jesus will always provide, and Him knowing me so well, I like working hard for my own money, and work I did!

Fast forward a few weeks and I was at the two week mark before leaving for Tacoma. So naturally it was time to visit Flagstaff and say farewells to a community that had completely taken over my heart. Through laughs and tears I was reminded how much God had blessed with beyond incredible friends and family in Flagstaff that supported me in every adventure. The amount of love I had been immersed in the past two years was suddenly overflowing into my heart in the short 5 days I was visiting. Being able to lead with my Wyldlife family had taught me so much in trusting and loving your family in a whole new way and leaving them and my girls was truly heart wrenching. Yet, being reminded that God will take care of my girls, because ultimately they’re His and He has such a wonderful plan for them ahead, it made it a tinsy bit easier.

Then as the final days before leaving approached, so did the whirlwind of attack! Through some struggles I had to figure out if my choice in listening to God’s call to do First Year with Catalyst was truly something I was going to do, regardless of who was going to be at my side to do it with me, or not. Again, being 100% transparent, I didn’t know at first. I was conflicted because I didn’t want to leave Flagstaff and that amazing community, I didn’t want to leave my best friends, and I was scared out of my mind to completely move to Tacoma by myself and not know what was ahead! Yeah, you could say I waivered. Thankfully for truly patient friends, and diligent prayer, I stayed with my ‘yes.’ I went back to how I felt this entire summer and realized I wasn’t ready to give that up, I wasn’t ready to stop growing deeper with God. I realized that if we knew God’s plan and all the details, we wouldn’t be trusting Him, we would just be going along with what we know. So off I go!

I want my life to reflect my heart. I want the world to see that I am so stinkin in love with Jesus and following Him is my only choice, every time. So the next step is the Catalyst First Year program and I couldn’t be more excited.

When You Start to Dream

As I truck along through First Year my heart cant help but be utterly captivated by the ways The Lord is transforming me. Meeting me in new surprising ways, its hard for me to even think about my life even a year ago and where I was. Jesus picked me up and saved me because he saw potential in little old me. I am succumbed by tears even thinking about how much He has changed my heart, my ways of thinking and the ways he's just invaded in and renewed every single part of me.

How quickly am I to assume that Jesus doesn't know this part of me, or forgot about that part but He knows! He knows every single piece and desire of my heart and patiently waits for me to remember how big He is. Seriously, He is so kind to me when I'm being more than stubborn in my thinking, when I think I need to deal with my "problems" on my own. How small minded am I. He reminds me constantly that it was He who has always been there to cat
ch me as I'm stumbling through life. It was He who placed me in Tacoma to prepare me for more, it is Him who provides for me and it will always be Him who lead me in every aspect of my life.

In fact, it was Him who even placed those little and big pieces in my heart when he created everything. My God, the God who created stars, the mountains, the sunsets and every huge and small thing in this world, who created us, loved me so much to place specific and beautiful desires in my heart so He could in turn fulfill them. It's time to expand my mind wouldn't you say?

I would be lying to you if this is my mentality daily about how wonderful Jesus is, when in fact its not too often I come to these revelations. I would also be lying to you if I said that my heart has been bursting open with joy and love since moving to Tacoma. There are obviously moments when this is in  fact true, and my community loves me so well. But its also hard, very hard, to lay your life down for Jesus. To sacrifice everything you think you love, actually you know you love and leave it to go where He called you. Its not easy. Don't let anyone tell you it is, and if it is for them then they have a ton of grace on them.

Yes the transition from Flagstaff, Arizona to Tacoma, Washington has been, HARD. Often times I find myself utterly desperate for the Lord and my heart is casually breaking because my circumstances aren't what I had imagined. I find myself on my knees crying out to the Lord because my mind tells me my plans aren't my own anymore. Then in sweeps Jesus to remind me, they never were mine to begin with. I've never been a wild dreamer, I think small and realistic. Your girl is a planner. So as I attempted to plan four years of my life in Flagstaff, Jesus stopped me, changed my plans and put me in a new direction, all to teach me, to dream.

What would you do, if absolutely anything was possible and there were no limits? What would be your life dream? This same question was asked of me and I found myself frozen. I stared at the blank piece of paper in front of me unable to dream. Yikes right? Well, don't worry, Jesus fixed that real quick. He asked, "What're you afraid of if anythings possible?" Immediately I answered "disappointment," and He just comforted me. He reminded me that its okay to get excited about things even if they never come to pass, that its okay to dream, that its just me discovering the desires He's placed in my heart. It was then that I had the revelation that Jesus wants to dream WITH us. I began writing some of my dreams, 10 actually (maybe one day I'll share them with you), and discovered its not that scary to dream with the Lord.

It should come to no shock to any of you that I have a heart for missions, for the nations and all the amazing things Jesus is doing around the world. One of the dreams I wrote down was, "To share the gospel in every nation." I want to go only where the Lord sends me, and right now I have the opportunity to go to El Salvador in April, a nation I've never been to. So I invite you into praying with me that Jesus provides the means for me to go, cause your girl is wicked broke up here. Yet, I have hope, no I know that if Jesus wants me to go then I will. I will be able to share the gospel in every nation. My God is big, if He designed my heart to love missions then He's right beside me dreaming.

In all these mini heart wrenching lessons the Lord is taking me through they all leave me in one place, on my knees crying out to him. Whether its in praise for all the good He is doing in my life, or in desperation because I need Him more than I need anything in my life. I choose to live my life with my heart completely abandoned to my God. I trust Him and the good He has for me. The dreams He's dreaming with me and the blessings He's waiting to pour out on me. I trust my Heavenly Father who loves me despite my failures, despite my stubbornness, and despite my flaws. HE LOVES ME for the good that even we cannot see sometimes, HE LOVES ME when its hard for me to love myself, and HE LOVES ME when I start to radically dream with Him.