As I truck along through First Year my heart cant help but be utterly captivated by the ways The Lord is transforming me. Meeting me in new surprising ways, its hard for me to even think about my life even a year ago and where I was. Jesus picked me up and saved me because he saw potential in little old me. I am succumbed by tears even thinking about how much He has changed my heart, my ways of thinking and the ways he's just invaded in and renewed every single part of me.
How quickly am I to assume that Jesus doesn't know this part of me, or forgot about that part but He knows! He knows every single piece and desire of my heart and patiently waits for me to remember how big He is. Seriously, He is so kind to me when I'm being more than stubborn in my thinking, when I think I need to deal with my "problems" on my own. How small minded am I. He reminds me constantly that it was He who has always been there to cat
ch me as I'm stumbling through life. It was He who placed me in Tacoma to prepare me for more, it is Him who provides for me and it will always be Him who lead me in every aspect of my life.
In fact, it was Him who even placed those little and big pieces in my heart when he created everything. My God, the God who created stars, the mountains, the sunsets and every huge and small thing in this world, who created us, loved me so much to place specific and beautiful desires in my heart so He could in turn fulfill them. It's time to expand my mind wouldn't you say?
I would be lying to you if this is my mentality daily about how wonderful Jesus is, when in fact its not too often I come to these revelations. I would also be lying to you if I said that my heart has been bursting open with joy and love since moving to Tacoma. There are obviously moments when this is in fact true, and my community loves me so well. But its also hard, very hard, to lay your life down for Jesus. To sacrifice everything you think you love, actually you know you love and leave it to go where He called you. Its not easy. Don't let anyone tell you it is, and if it is for them then they have a ton of grace on them.
Yes the transition from Flagstaff, Arizona to Tacoma, Washington has been, HARD. Often times I find myself utterly desperate for the Lord and my heart is casually breaking because my circumstances aren't what I had imagined. I find myself on my knees crying out to the Lord because my mind tells me my plans aren't my own anymore. Then in sweeps Jesus to remind me, they never were mine to begin with. I've never been a wild dreamer, I think small and realistic. Your girl is a planner. So as I attempted to plan four years of my life in Flagstaff, Jesus stopped me, changed my plans and put me in a new direction, all to teach me, to dream.
What would you do, if absolutely anything was possible and there were no limits? What would be your life dream? This same question was asked of me and I found myself frozen. I stared at the blank piece of paper in front of me unable to dream. Yikes right? Well, don't worry, Jesus fixed that real quick. He asked, "What're you afraid of if anythings possible?" Immediately I answered "disappointment," and He just comforted me. He reminded me that its okay to get excited about things even if they never come to pass, that its okay to dream, that its just me discovering the desires He's placed in my heart. It was then that I had the revelation that Jesus wants to dream WITH us. I began writing some of my dreams, 10 actually (maybe one day I'll share them with you), and discovered its not that scary to dream with the Lord.
It should come to no shock to any of you that I have a heart for missions, for the nations and all the amazing things Jesus is doing around the world. One of the dreams I wrote down was, "To share the gospel in every nation." I want to go only where the Lord sends me, and right now I have the opportunity to go to El Salvador in April, a nation I've never been to. So I invite you into praying with me that Jesus provides the means for me to go, cause your girl is wicked broke up here. Yet, I have hope, no I know that if Jesus wants me to go then I will. I will be able to share the gospel in every nation. My God is big, if He designed my heart to love missions then He's right beside me dreaming.
In all these mini heart wrenching lessons the Lord is taking me through they all leave me in one place, on my knees crying out to him. Whether its in praise for all the good He is doing in my life, or in desperation because I need Him more than I need anything in my life. I choose to live my life with my heart completely abandoned to my God. I trust Him and the good He has for me. The dreams He's dreaming with me and the blessings He's waiting to pour out on me. I trust my Heavenly Father who loves me despite my failures, despite my stubbornness, and despite my flaws. HE LOVES ME for the good that even we cannot see sometimes, HE LOVES ME when its hard for me to love myself, and HE LOVES ME when I start to radically dream with Him.
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