I was wrong. Yep, you read that right.

Vulnerability is hard for me if I’m being honest. 

I have this ability to see where a conversation is going or the possibility of deeper questions being asked of me and I slowly turn it to a different direction. I bring up other people, I ask harder questions of the other person so it distracts away from me. I don't necessarily know why I do it, or why I dislike sharing my heart so much but it happens time after time without fail. 

Like, heres an example. You know the feeling you get in your gut when someone asks you THAT question and it just about destroys your walls and all the composure you maintain crumbles.Well, thats the very question I avoid like a truck coming at me at full force. I have this presumption in my head that if people see me, see my mess, see the possibility of me not put together then everything I worked so hard to be known for will be tarnished. I understand that even as your reading this you're realizing how absolutely crazy that sounds.

Well in the quest to shield myself from being vulnerable about my problems, I found my conversations turned more toward slander and gossiping about other people in order to dodge talking about myself. That shield then became a habit, and slowly but surely I didn't realize that every conversation I was having became about other people to avoid people knowing me. With no guard over my tongue, I found myself drifting from words bringing life and encouragement for others to cutting and hurting them, even unintentionally. What I didn't realize is in that process my own heart was also growing bitter and angry towards them, I hadn't realized my words over people were bringing death to my own heart for them.

I found my conversations with people started getting shallow and empty, lacking Jesus, lacking vulnerability from others and from myself, and rather turned into talking about only the negative in our lives. I found my self drifting from people, from Jesus, and burying myself under more walls and more hardness, basically going back to the bondage I had already escaped from. I found myself playing victim to the damage I actually caused. I didn't want to leave it either, it was as if the hole was already to deep to escape.

Basically, I was wrong. I was wrong in many accounts and I hurt people, I let my hurt be an excuse to hurt people. I saw circumstances that the Lord was orchestrating to build me and grow me be my reason to be justified in my anger and hurt. I acted out of my flesh and feelings and not who the Lord calls me to be in patience and grace and love.

Then the Lord took me back, and allowed me to recall some things. 

I moved up to Tacoma, Washington back in June of 2014 for a Catalyst Training School, I didn't know what I was in for, I didn't know what to expect, all I knew was I was at a critical point in my life where I needed Jesus, I needed change and I desperately needed love. I stayed in Tacoma because thats exactly what I got here in this community. 

I was loved and seen outside of how I was acting and what saying but rather for who I am in God, and who He's created me to be. 

I was taught and grown in how to pursue the Lord with my whole heart and what laying down my life looks like to Him, and how beautifully different that looks like from what the world culture tells you to do.

I was called to maturity and accountability, to live differently than my past and who I was but rather who I was created to be. 

I was forgiven and shown grace continuously even as I was learning and readjusting to new life in Jesus.

I was and continue to be discipled and grown in my faith in ways I never thought possible. 

I continue to be surrounded in ministry and opportunity to pour love out on those around me, to show who Jesus is in me daily, and what the sacrifice His life laid down means for us. 

When I moved up to Tacoma the trajectory of my life changed completely, and thats why I stayed. The Lord continued to be so faithful and apparent in the leadership, in the community and in the friendships I gained. I was challenged sure, but I continue to be grown into a better woman of God even in the midst of unfair circumstances. I was spending a morning with the Lord a few weeks ago and He simply reminded me of all the unfair moments in the bible that He and others faced in their walks in pursuing God, and all of a sudden mine became very insignificant and honestly silly my ‘problems’ became in comparison.

Back to the part you probably read a couple times over, I was wrong. I didn't know it at the time, I didn't feel it at the time, in the moment I felt justified, I felt good because I was ‘expressing how I was feeling.” Honestly I didn't even know people would read or listen to anything I had to say, so it gave me even more space to say whatever I wanted.

I was wrong though, I was wrong in how I acted, how I responded and even how I wrote on here! I wasn't honoring, respectful or kind to those who poured out and loved me up here. I didn't acknowledge the teaching, love and grace they provided for me constantly in the years up here but rather honed in my focus towards one mistake and one hurt and only commented on that. I was wrong because I didn't choose to see the Jesus in them that they had constantly shown and fought for with me. 

I was wrong and I’m sorry. 

I can only do better and move forward in that grace that continues to be shown to me.

I can continue to love and learn to speak honorably and slowly. 

I can continue to go to Jesus in my hurt and not react out of feelings but rather patience and love.

And most importantly I can try to be vulnerable, because when I am it allows the Holy Spirit to work through those around me to know how to better love, teach and pray for me. 

Thanks for reading!

Unfiltered.

I want to talk unfiltered for a moment, and if that worries you or offends you, I’d stop reading now to avoid the mess of it. 

The other day I found myself looking through my old Instagram photos. (Let’s not kid ourselves, we all do it!) I don’t know why but May always seems to be the month where I find myself looking back to January. As if I’m checking in to see whats happened so far and what I yet to still have do as the year continues moving forward. I check in to see if I’m happy, if things I wanted to happen did or did not, and I look for the things that disappointed me, frustrated me, or even surprised me. I don't think its bad to reflect at all, but in that excusable reflection I found myself at a stand still. I found myself looking over and over again, realizing I had no idea what I was searching for in the first place.

Warning, some harsh words are about to happen, but honestly, its my real time feelings and updates.

This year hasn't been what I wanted it to be in certain moments, and others it has far surpassed my wildest dreams. 

I was damaged in a car accident and have to deal with insurance companies that refuse to pay for those damages their drivers caused. 

I continue to get to date an incredible man of God who loves me, takes care of me, and challenges me to be who Jesus has called me to be. 

I was working at a job that nearly killed my free spirit and slowly taught me to idolize money and security instead if blind trust in the Lord. 

I’ve had to refrain from yelling and screaming at our house landlords for consistently choosing to uproot and force move an entire household for the sake of business and income rather than friendship and common courtesy. 

Then I got to see the Lord provide miraculously in daily finances, and for my Berlin missions trip and see people healed and encountered while over there serving people. (Thanks for supporting! Update soon to come I promise!) 

I got to be extravagantly blessed and discipled by the Bradley family with their constant encouragement, love and accountability. 

And then, just about everyone I know, decided to announce they’re moving far away from the city the Lord has called me to place roots in. 

A lot right?

Yet I amongst it all, I remember something a friend of mine once told me. She said, that life is similar to a moving train, regardless of the spots you choose to get off at, if you leave one train, it will still continue moving without you on it. I think for myself at times its scary to realize that once I leave somewhere life doesn't just pause for me to come back to it, no matter how much I want it to, no matter how much any of us want it to, life keeps moving. Granted she told me as I was moving from one state to another but I was so desperately wanting to remain connected to what I was leaving behind. Scrolling through these pictures, I found myself having this moment, thinking back to that conversation and hearing the truth from those words.

Currently the community I’m in is experiencing “transition.” Kid you not, thats what everyone continues to say over and over, which is true we are experiencing new things. Now what was momentum in so many new areas has come to a complete halt as people move from one train to another. Which I understand you don't jump off a moving train but what seems to be happening is instead of life continuing in the midst of the change, people, myself included, have become stalled out and scared. However, I won’t sit here and pretend that I know what an extremely healthy transition and move looks like, because I don’t and because I have yet to see it. But it has led me to a lot of thinking, and reflecting and asking the Lord what feels like endless lists of questions. 

What questions you may wonder, well heres a few I encourage you to ask the Lord as well.

Is there a way for people to approach one another with kind hearts but honesty, to speak of real hurt, real neglect, and real damage and it not be turned to their own sin issues?

How does a community not rely on man to do the work only God can do? 

Why do I find myself placing expectation on leadership and authority to fulfill the needs only Jesus can?

How does a community heal in response to neglect?

What is God stirring in the waters for Tacoma, what is yet to come and how can I help?

Can this year be turned around?

The amazing thing is that the Lord is far above and greater than all the minuscule human errors that occur from daily life. I understand to hold people to a standard that only the Lord can fulfill will only produce hurt and disappointment on my end. Recently I was getting dinner with my friend and she was sharing about her family, and how one family member was single handily ruining a lot in their family. Yet her parents just kept pouring out grace to them and letting them back in over and over again, forgiving the hurt over and over again. To her bewilderment, she couldn't understand it, she wanted to know why they kept doing it. So as she's telling me, all I hear is God saying, “because its what I would do, am doing, and will always do.” 

How crazy is that? That no matter how much we damage and hurt God, no matter how much we neglect and make all these promises to change and don't follow through, He remains graceful and forgiving. THEN tells us, to do the very same. OUCH RIGHT? That means, God is telling me to pour out endless grace to the neglectful and hurtful people that have fallen short around me. That means I have to stand in a position of forgiveness even if they haven't even realized the damage they caused, and I’m able to because He does it ALL the time for me. 

So now, I get to choose to walk in the grace the Lord freely gives me and continue to press in because its not always the end where He reveals what He has for us but rather the entire process it takes to get there. Do you think Nehemiah waited until the wall was rebuilt for the Lord to speak to him about the worst he Lord was doing in Nehemiah’s heart, no! He asked questions before the building even started, and while he worked. God is faithful to let you know what He’s doing while He’s preparing you, not just waiting to tell you after you're “ready.” Its what He’s currently teaching me, and I get to start in this very moment. I get to move passed what this year has been, and who people have chosen to be and I get to start asking, start forgiving, and start moving that train forward again.

Maybe thats the very point where transition and momentum can build and be accomplished in a community following after Jesus' heart.

Moment of Impact.

It recently snowed here in Tacoma, which is unusual because it's February and well the snow should be behind us. Also recently I was in a car accident that put an abrupt halt to everything and well it's unusual for me to have everything turned upside down. Turns out what I think should be, is the last thing to what actually is.

So as it may, I became unable to do anything but look at snow that shouldn't be falling while forced to do nothing while I should be doing everything. Last night, I was riding passenger in a car looking at the snow on the road and how the headlights just showed enough to see a little bit ahead I couldn't help but think why are we only able to see just a little bit right now? It's frightening not being able to see everything, to see the full road ahead, not even the end of the road that you're going down. It was the same the night of the accident, just going down a road only able to see just enough in front. Until headlights are all of a sudden shimmering bright on your side and your struck with confusion and fear at the same time until, an abrupt halt paralyzes you in an instant. With you never being able to see it coming. It's terrifying for me to think that an abrupt halt can happen at any moment and there's nothing I can do about it. You can't fore see it, you can't prevent it, you can't stop it, you just experience the impact of it. 

Now don't get me wrong, I really like snow. How it feels on your face when it falls on your nose, how makes everyone instantly excited, and the child that's within us all comes out even for a moment, there's just something about snow that everybody loves. So while I've been stuck in a bed to rest, to heal, to recover, to do whatever it is my body needs to do to work again, I get look out the window and watch the snow fall and as I'm stuck my mind is left to wander and I'm left with all the feelings rushing back in remembrance of my moment of impact. 

As I'm stuck in my bed the headlights come to mind, the little bit of road that I can see but how I'm kept blinded from the end. The headlights that I beg to glow brighter just so I can see further, so I can catch a glimpse of the end. So that another impact won't surprise me, won't destroy me. Sometimes I think the headlights and the limited view in front of me is what God allows me to see, and the dark around, well that's where He calls me to trust. Calls us all to trust.

I won't lie to you I think trusting God is probably one of the biggest challenges I've ever been faced with. 

I think trusting God is one of the hardest things I've ever had to handle. 

I think trusting God is one of the most difficult things I've had to figure out. 

Because He gives you a headlight space to see and then calls you to trust in the dark. Where you're just left to hope and pray that everything that's in the dark He's gonna figure out, He's going to work out, that He's going to solve. You pray that everything that's He's doing in the dark will prevent unknown impact from hurting, from destroying you. You pray that what's in the dark won't catch you off guard, won't throw you for a whirlwind. You beg, plead and you pray that the headlight amount of space will grow just enough that you can see just a little bit more of what He's doing. 

I am the last person that would willingly choose to lay in the bed for days doing nothing, accomplishing nothing, resolving nothing. I'm the last person that would lay in a bed or spend hours in silence. Yet that's where I am and that's what I'm doing because after impact, I'm in the dark because right now I'm left to pray. 

I can't tell you that I know what I'm doing and I can't tell you that I'm totally okay but what I can tell you is that I've been here before and He gets less scary each time and He shows up quicker each time. I can't tell you that the dark isn't scary but what I can tell you is that He is always taking care of me. So right now although I can't see anything, I have to know, I have to hope that while I'm in the dark He's working, He's moving and He's providing. Because He has to and He wants to and He gets to because I'm stuck in a bed looking out the window watching snow fall on Tacoma while He is preparing me for my next moment of impact.

"Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:13-14

Grace is offensive.

Well ya'll I went running, which got me thinking, which got me writing.

I’ve found in my recent years of truly running after Jesus that I find myself offended, but not by what one would think. I find myself offended time and time again by grace. The gospel I believe is not only a story of love but of offensive grace. 

Friends, God’s power is beyond words. He created the world, He set everything into motion, He breathed everything into existence. Yet still, even though we sinned He set up a plan to make sure we could still be with Him in the end. God in His almighty power sent His only son, to come and live with us. To live a life of love and miracles, to be the only one who has ever walked this earth and lived an absolutely perfect life, completely sinless, completely surrendered to the Heavenly Father. Jesus Christ came down so that He could ultimately create a path for us to return the heaven one day with God. 

Jesus Christ came and suffered for us.

Jesus Christ died on a cross for us, for our sins. 

Jesus Christ was buried in a grave.

Jesus Christ rose from that same grave three days later, beating death in that moment to be with us yet again. 

Jesus Christ ascended back to heaven so that all who repent and believe in Him will be saved.

Knowing me, knowing us, all of our sin and shame and failures. Knowing we would deny Him, knowing we would make mistakes, knowing that humanity is truly broken and lost, He poured out grace and love to make a path so we can be with Him. Not doing anything to deserve it, not doing anything to earn it, not having anything to give Him in return, but simply because God loves us so much He refuses to be separated from us.  

Grace is love that seeks you out when you have nothing to give in return. There my friends is my honest offense. Why do I get grace, this “unconditional love” just thrown at me when I have absolutely nothing to give back. Grace is being loved by God when the world has deemed you unlovable, its a love that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the lover(God). In a world that has taught my generation its all about me, its all about what you can bring to the table and you better have the best thing, its all about what you can do, the gospel is screaming the opposite. So I find myself both in constant tension and constant offense. Grace is irrational in the sense that it has nothing to do with weights and measures. It has nothing to do with my intrinsic qualities or so-called “gifts”. It reflects a decision on the part of the giver, the one who loves, in relation to the receiver, the one who is loved, that negates any qualifications the receiver may personally hold. Simply put, grace is a one way love from God and all we can do is receive it. 

Friends, I am far from getting everything right, from living exactly like Jesus did, and I miss the mark almost daily. Yet, I’m able to try again and again because of this out pouring of grace from God. Before I followed Jesus, I was constantly striving to be perfect and hated myself every single time I fell short. When I disappointed people, when they disappointed me, my world was sent into chaos because I relied on people, on humanity, who is flawed above all else. When I start following Jesus and I began to rely on Him, the grace that was poured out on me I could give to others, even if they could give me nothing back and my world was no longer shattered when people disappointed me. It became my new response because thats how I was being taught from Jesus.

I find myself offended by grace because I was so comfortable living in the worlds standards and there was a part of my being that trying to earn my keep, opposed to just receiving love for no reason, for nothing other than because God loves me that much and wants to. It sends my skin screaming, it blows my mind daily because I can not wrap my mind around it no matter how hard I try. It sends me for a loop because I’m left to just receive it, unable to give anything in return. 

So here I am, learning and running after Jesus. Being brought through constant refinement, being brought to my knees in repentance when I fall short, but being loved for exactly who I am because I choose to follow Jesus and I will continue to choose Him, time and time again. Even when our world is falling apart, people are hurting each other, and chaos surrounds the nations, I will choose Him. Because the reason the world is in so much hurt and pain is because there was a time where we didn't choose Him and we choose ourselves, and we’ve lived in that since. So even if its against the tide, even if its against what the world is telling me, I will choose Him because He is the only one who could love me with me being unable to give anything in return. He is the only one who can pour out grace to ones who don’t deserve it, but will continue to do it anyway.

Remember that one time I went to Egypt?

Friends words cannot express the gratitude within me for your support in sending me to Egypt. I wont lie to you, I was hesitant in trusting the Lord to provide for me to go. Yet He remains forever faithful and abundant in His love that regardless of my fear, He provided a way. The even crazier part was that all seven of the Ministry Apprenticeship students were able to completely raise their funds in full as well. God provided beyond our abilities and even our resources in order that we would all travel to the Middle East to share His kingdom. 

Missions have continually marked my life and I continue to see the Lord move in incredible ways every time. This trip was no different. As you may know I’ve been in Tacoma, WA for two years now with Catalyst Seminary, immersing myself within community to help connect with Gods heart. The program has showed me what a biblical lifestyle looks like in modern day, what surrender to God looks like in a culture thats telling a generation to do the opposite, and how the great commission is truly intended for us to go out and share the gospel to the unreached. Catalyst has surfaced this very part of my heart, a part that has always been designed to be full of The Fathers love, connected with His plan and surrounded with love from relationships within the church body. 

Truly I tell you all, my friends, Tacoma has changed my life.

This past trip to Egypt the Lord showed me what He has in store for me. However, before I get to that I’m excited to share about what happened while we were over in Cairo, Egypt. We didn't know much going in, the schedule kept changing and everything planned was constantly being shifted around. However the team had prayed before we even knew where we were going and knew wherever we stepped foot, the Lord wanted to raise up Josephs around us. He desired to pour out refreshment to the people we encountered, and He wanted to breathe hope into a broken people. When we landed in Cairo, the atmosphere immediately weighed on us and we knew this would not be an easy task. Yet, with zeal in our hearts and the Lords promises of all things being possible through Him, we walked confidently out of that airport.

The flat where we were going to be housed for the trip was in a outer suburb called Garbage City. It’s where most of the christian population live because its amongst the trash and the pigs, so in a predominately muslim nation, it made sense to put the christians with the trash. The poor also lived there, and because of the lack of a trash and recycling structure, it was also a means for people to work and sort the trash. As we walked down the streets, you couldn't help but be met by a pungent smell that overcame your senses. Our comforts started to be challenged and our flesh was screaming that this is too much. But we remained in Garbage City refusing to let discomfort stop Gods plan and went to what was next on the agenda.  We started with house visits and ministering to the local community. We went in groups to pray for families and share the gospel to the surrounding homes in the neighborhood. The Holy Spirit showed up during those visits and healed hearts and spoke to salvation to children. Those times we simply walked in faith of where we should go, listened to what should be said, and spoke in love and compassion about the love of Christ. It was in the simple obedience and sharing of the gospel I was reminded of how the Lords created my heart to come alive!

We also partnered with YWAM and a team from Norway to worship and pray original design over the students attending the school in Cairo. We spent a day teaching Freedom material and praying original design over every student and visitor on the base that day! Truly nothing is more heart stirring than seeing Gods children be told how God has created them and how much He knows them through and through. 

There were a couple days where the girls and guys split up and ministered in different places, the women went to a local foreign prison and the men spent a day teaching at a local church. When we went to the prison, we had a two hour drive to get there then about a four hour wait time to actually get inside the prison all the accumulate to a total of thirty minutes of visiting time. I’ll tell you what though, that thirty minutes was worth every second of driving and waiting. I met this women who was also from Russia, and her story was tragically beautiful. Without sharing too much I can tell you a little bit of her story. She’s from St. Petersburg, Russia (just like me) and she came to Egypt to visit and fell in love with an Egyptian man. They got married, had two boys and we’re living their lives to the best of their know how. Through unfortunate circumstances and shifty government policies she ended up in prison under false accusations but unable to prove her innocence she remains stuck in the foreign prison left to wait out her sentence. Her heart is hardened to the Egyptian people, believing they are all liars and cheats, her heart is angry at her husband for not fighting for her freedom, and her heart is broken for the missed time away from her sons as they are growing up. I saw a lot of who I used to be in her, in her independence and anger but I so thankful to just be with her and show her love and attempt to speak hope back into life’s circumstances. I got to pray with her, then as a group we all got to worship and sing praises to our Jesus and suddenly the entire room shifted for a moment and hope was rising around so strongly it was almost tangible to grasp. It was thirty minutes that marked my heart and she will never leave my memory.

Ending our time there we continued to visit churches and minister around the local neighborhood. We were seeing salvations, healing and people experiencing the love of God like they never felt before. People we were meeting were learning how to walk in freedom and begin to hear God on their own for the first times. 

One of my favorite places we visited while we were there was called The Cave Church. Named so accurately because it was truly a cave in a mountain that was discovered and a church was made out of it. The story behind its start, well God moved a mountain in order for this church to exist and only came about through prayer from a few that so desperately craved a place to worship together. We met some of the local pastors in the church and were honored to pray for them as they needed, one was healed of a poorly healed broken knee injury and went from slowly limping to walking in strides with confidence in every step. The other was healed of stomach pains and invited us into the preparation room. (Fun fact: Women are not allowed in that room and all four of us girls were invited in.) It was an honor, and the presence of the Lord in that room was too much for words. Our only response that any of us could fathom was to pray, to thank God for His goodness, to pray for revival to come to Egypt, to pray for the church to bring in the multitudes, and to worship because its all we could do. 

Yes we toured, rode camels and saw the coolest ancient sites in our entire lives. Yes we got to hang out with some of the most fun people I’ve ever met. Yes we heard peoples stories and found revelation for our own lives in the lessons they’ve had with God. Yes we prayed for many, loved on more, and taught all that we knew. Yet more importantly, yes we followed God, in His steps that were planned from the beginning of time for our group to walk in. We said yes to Him when He called us to go and in every moment after. 

That was our teams trip to Egypt, and you helped me get there. So thank you from the bottom of my heart, with all my being for believing in me to go to the nations to see the love of Jesus be spread in the Middle East. I wouldn't have been able to go if it were not for your prayers, love and support!!! 

This summer was full of joy but this summer was also hard.

And just like that, in one simple blink of the eye, this summer has come and gone.

This summer I had the honor of being able to partner with Catalyst Training School's Summer Program and was able to help the staff and come along side 38 young adults who were hungry for more of God. I got to witness these beautiful souls God put in front of me lay their lives down for a summer and dive head first into all of who Jesus is. I saw passion get sparked within their hearts, I saw hope come back into their eyes and I saw Jesus pour his love out on every single one of them as they sought him out for more. How wonderful is our God that He never fails to meet us in our seeking, He hears our cries and meets us in ways we never thought possible.

This summer I was blessed to meet 38 world changers and get to now call them my friends. Every moment this summer was marked by Gods love, laughter and raw community. We went after the heart of God together and the Lord is bringing kingdom shakers back to their hometowns that are now more than equipped to fight for Him. I got to see 38 faces change by encountering the love of a Father every day for three months. I got to see single individuals walk into a moment where they had to actively choose Jesus and lay down the worlds promises in pure faith, not knowing what their yes was going to mean. I got to learn more about Jesus in these 38 incredible friends than I ever thought this summer was capable of. I was blessed to make some of the best memories that I get to hold onto forever because God loves each of us that much to give us those kind of gifts. This summer we had four outreach teams go out into the nations and radically love on those across the world, share the gospel, bring healing, and encounter people with Gods love. Those four teams came back with a fire that will never cease because they partnered with God in reaching the lost and broken and brought love back into their hearts!

This summer I had the honor of serving the staff through the little tasks, preparing snack, through organizing details, and through laying down my life in the background. I didn't have a job that I had deemed as 'important' but the Lord used me as a glue to help spur on the other staff who were being called to lead in greater measures. I threw myself against the rock of humility time and time again, and realized that as long as I was being seen by God then being seen by man doesn't really matter.

This summer was full of joy but this summer was also hard. I'm in a constant wrestle to know who God is to me, to match what I've been taught and know to what I actually believe about Him. I know God is good, faithful, loving and true, but I let my circumstances tell me the exact opposite and the Lord allowed me to choose what I was going to believe about Him through it all. Honestly, there were times that I chose wrong, and I chose to be disappointed and angry at God because that's what my circumstances were telling me to feel. There were also times where I got to choose to believe how faithful God is and carry a hope in Him rather than letting those circumstances make me disheartened towards God. This summer like the season before is continuing to mold me into a heart that's worthy of Jesus and what it means to follow him.

This summer I had to be kindly reminded of the anger that still remains within my heart, and purely by Gods grace is it finally being exposed so I can fight it and get rid of it so I no longer have to live succumbed by it. I experienced testing and tension and hardships all while uncovering the way I respond to circumstances, and honestly not liking the way I do at all. I felt out of control in my emotions, and I could see how my sharp words inflicted wounds on people that I care about most. Obviously that't neither my hearts intention or how God created me, but rather how the enemy was holding me back. I was able to be surrounded by key people in my life who spoke truth into who they know I am, and pursue the freedom that's before me. They saw my heart and fought to believe the best about me when I wasn't acting my best.

Whats up next you might ask....?

Well, through prayer and shut doors by God, I have decided to do Catalyst Training School's Second Year Program to further my training in leadership, ministry, and restoration. It is with some hesitation that I step into this next season but I will choose to believe that the Lord is in it and will be faithful to meet me in ways I don't yet know I need.

What I do need though, is prayer. (Don't we all!) I need prayer for a few things.
1. Pray for my family and that God would continue to bring healing and restoration in the midst of chaos and hurt.
2. Pray for my next season as the Lord would continue working and exposing this deep root of anger that's been burdening my heart for far too long.
3. Pray for my family here in Tacoma and that they would receive radical provision in the coming season!
4. Pray for Catalyst Training school, the staff (Adam, Jenny, Stephen, Shane, Elizabeth, Aimee) as they pour their lives and hearts out because they believe in the next generation being raised up. 
5. And pray for me. Please prayerfully consider joining with me in this next journey; I need to raise $3500 to cover Second Years tuition. More urgently, I need to pay the $300.00 deposit to secure my spot in the school by this Sunday! If you would like to join with me financially, please feel free to message me and I can let you know how.

My heart misses Arizona more than words can express but its also found a new home here in Tacoma. I deeply love you all, thanks for reading and caring so much about me.

I pray God blesses you so much and fills you with so much love and joy today!

Going, learning, praying.

Well friends, there's about a thousand things to catch you up on.
My bad team.

March-May
I went to El Salvador, God radically encountered my team and myself while we were there. I got to witness healing to both bodies and souls. I spent two week covered by the Lords presence in the darkest of places. He opened not only my eyes, but my heart to the nations. The cry of my heart is no longer, "Jesus wont you save Tanzania", but rather, "Lord flood the nations with revival." It was in the streets of San Salvador that God gave me His heart for His people. It was the children dancing during worship that my heart started singing His praises again. It was seeing my team lay their lives down whole heartedly for weeks to serve the one in front of them, over and over and over again that my perspective began to change. I was meeting my Heavenly Father in silent prayers that I began to see Him shifting His church, His people, His nation right in front of my eyes.

Going to El Salvador re-ignited my passion for people, to love them endlessly and to share what I know about the love of a Father desperate for relationship with His children.
Going to El Salvador opened my eyes to the generations before me and how hungry they are to know their identity, to fill that missing piece the world will never satisfy.
Going to El Salvador changed my heart all over again, it became awakened to the sensitivity of the Holy Spirit and how the Father feels for His children all around.
Going to El Salvador strengthened my self proclaimed little silent prayers to out shouts of revival and salvation to break forth.

All in all, it was an amazing trip with countless memories and some pretty terrific pupusas.

May-June
I graduated the Catalyst Seminary First Year program, whoop whoop! Your girl made it through 9 months of sharing a house with 30 people, intense study of the scriptures and teachings of Jesus, heart surgery part two, and the oh so infamous growing and maturing process. I've survived and I've learned.

I've learned that I am desperate for community in order to see radical healing in my own life, that I was never meant to ever do life on my own.
I've learned that there is such a beauty in taking the time to both meditate and study the scriptures, that in those very moments God feels closer than He ever has to me.
I've learned that correction and discipline done right will spring about more growth than seeking out trying to control someone or "fix them."
I've learned that asking for help is when I became the strongest version of myself.
I've learned that it is not without patience, training, and humbling myself to learn from those wiser than me that I will ever be able to step into my calling.
And I've learned that radical faith is paired with action and trusting that ultimately it is ALL in Gods capable hands.

It was a hard year up in Tacoma, Washington. But it was a year that will mark my heart for the rest of my life. It was a year that brought about change in who I am and brought my into the happiness and pure joy The Lord had always wanted for me.

Thank you friends for your prayers, phone calls, and moments I've gotten to share with you! As I move forward into a new season I am staying in Tacoma for another year. I had sure faith that God has some more things for me and my heart up here and much more learning to do!

This summer I will be staffing the Catalyst Summer Program for the new 38 students that are hungry and chasing after more of God whole heartedly. Being able to serve the very program that sparked so much freedom and change in my own heart is amazing and I cant wait for what the summer holds and how the Lord will meet students. Between you and me, I think they are so much cooler than my class ever was. 

I ask you keep praying for me! I need finical provision desperately since I'm volunteering and working part-time praying that God will provide the means to get by and not over work myself as I save up for a car. (Thanks again mom for letting me borrow yours!)

Also pray for our students that they be softened to The Lord voice this summer and the workings He is doing in their hearts. Pray for courage to explore the harden parts of their hearts and for vulnerability to be released within their friendships, small groups, and families. Pray for protection over them because the enemy will attack them hard since they are laying down what the world has deemed as important and are focusing whole heartedly on God for 7 weeks.

Love you all!